In response to The CW’s producing sexy, modern versions of Jane Austen stories, Michael, Rob, Sue London, and Evan Hanson made their own sexy CW shows based on things that weren’t super sexy to begin with. Be sure to tune in for hot versions of The Ropers, IKEA, the life of Richard Milhous Nixon, and Richie Rich.

As promised, here’s part of the script that Sue wrote for the pilot episode of The Ropers:

ESTABLISHING SHOT

Outdoor pan of California apartment complex. Cream stucco, palm trees, three stories.

 

INTERIOR, DAY

The apartment is clearly high end California casual. Helen is lying on the couch in a white diaphanous robe with feather accents, flipping through a catalog. Stanley is peering through a curtain.

 

STANLEY

I think they’re doing it again. They’re all gathered around the pool like a pack of wolves. There’s going to be a party.

HELEN

You really need to stop that, you know.

STANLEY

What? Why? As the landlord it’s my job to keep track of everything and make sure tenants are…. Safe.

HELEN RAISES AN EYEBROW AT HIS DISTRACTION AND TOSSES DOWN THE CATALOG

And not stare at them when they wear bikinis at the pool.

STANLEY, LOOKING AFFRONTED

This has nothing to do with bikinis, I’ll have you know. That kid Cory is out there with a drone.

HELEN, PERKING UP AND GETTING OFF THE COUCH

He’s not a kid, he’s thirty, and what is he wearing?

STANLEY, STEPPING BACK AS HELEN WORMS HER WAY IN FRONT OF HIM TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW

You really undermine yourself when you stare at the boys more than I stare at the girls.

HELEN

I’m a middle-aged woman, we’re considered harmless no matter what we do.

STANLEY SNORTS

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND STANLEY OPENS IT. THERE IS A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN WRAPPED IN A SWIM ROBE

STANLEY

Amber, what’s up?

AMBER

Sorry, Mr. Roper, but I was hoping you could let me into my apartment? I forgot my keys again.

STANLEY

We’ve talked about this, Amber. I’m not your personal butler.

AMBER

I’m sorry. Pleeeeaase?

STANLEY ROLLS HIS EYES AND GRABS HIS KEYS. HELEN WAVES FROM THE WINDOW

HELEN

Be careful out there, honey. Watch out for the wolves!

AMBER, LOOKING CONFUSED

Wolves, Mrs. Roper?

HELEN

Don’t worry, you’ll start to recognize them. But you don’t need to worry about the ones whose teeth have worn down.

HELEN WINKS AT HER HUSBAND. STANLEY BARES HIS TEETH IN A SARCASTIC SMILE AND FOLLOWS AMBER OUT OF THE DOOR.

And here’s Evan’s proof-of-concept visual for sexy IKEA:

Download or listen to the episode here.